Sunday, June 23, 2013

Inadequate Thoughts from the Heart of a Seemingly Inadequate Sister.

Can I do this? What if I'm awful? I cannot wake up at 6:30am EVERY DAY!!
  I. can. do. this.

When I had my interview with my Stake President to turn in my mission papers, he asked me a simple question. "Maddie, how does Satan get to you?" Wahhh?? I looked at the floor, noticing the ugly blue carpet that must have been there for decades, then to my hands clutched together. The question played in my head for what felt like minutes, but really was only seconds. I looked to the curtains covering the windows and noticed the details in the fabric. Every fiber was different, but when woven together they made something beautiful.

"Is the details it the fabric? Is the things that make you panic? Is it Mother Nature's sowing machine? "

He continued after I left the question unanswered, "Maddie. HOW does Satan get to you?" I'd never thought of this question before, or at least not in this way. He didn't ask me, "Maddie DOES Satan get to you?" It was like he almost knew that Satan got to me. At first I was confused by the question. Then I started giving "surface" answers. "Well, you know, through not reading my scriptures, or inappropriate music or movies. I should probably be stricter about what I watch." I replied with the general answers that he had heard well over a billion times. He looked down and shook his head. What, did I say something wrong? He looked back up at me and replied, "Dig deeper, Maddie. How does he hurt your heart?"

"If it's a broken part, replace it. If it's a broken arm, then brace it. If it's a broken heart, the face it."

I knew the answer. My heart ached because I knew the answer. "I'm afraid that I won't be good enough." It was almost as if he also knew the answer. What if I am not good enough? As tears filled my eyes, he said something simple that will stay with me for a very long time. "Madison, if you are good enough for God, you are good enough for anyone." We sat in silence for a second and then he moved on to another subject. 

"Everything will be fine. Everything in no time at all. 
Hearts will hold...."

As I've prepared to go on this mission, I have learned that it will not be easy. I have learned that there will be days that my face is melting off, my skirt is riding up in uncomfortable places, and unkind words might come out of my mouth as I fall off my bike. (It all WILL happen. I've come to terms with it.) But, I've also learned that though the rough times may come, there will also be moments where the spirit is so strong that I will feel like I am suffocating. There will be moments where I see the spirit touch someones heart for the first time, and there will be moments when I see a child of God return to the path towards their Heavenly Father, and realize that I helped in guiding them there. 

"Hang on, help is on the way. Stay strong, I'm doing everything."

If I have learned anything, it is that I am a very inadequate Sister. I am imperfect, and I make mistakes. I do not speak eloquently, and I do not write like a poet. But, what I do know is that this gospel IS perfect.  Nothing that I say or do will undo that....and even if I'm not good enough for me, I am good enough for HIM. And that, my friends, is all that matters.

Sister Morris

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful post from such a beautiful girl! You really do shine. You will be an amazing missionary, you are already such an amazing person in so many ways. I have no doubt you can do it. We'll be praying for you with the other awesome missionaries. We love you and your family!